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Silly Aveyond Shorts


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#1 Mu11berry

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 02:13 AM

Eeeyyy it's me again. I don't just write fluff, I also write funny stuff and I wanted to share that too. This topic will be shorts inspired by any of the Aveyond games. The only thing most of them will have in common is being humorous. Aveyond characters just lend themselves so nicely to comedy, you know? 

I had a hard time deciding what fic to start this with, because I wanted to make sure you all know what kind of stuff to expect from this thread. But I think I will begin with a parody of Ahriman's Prophecy and Harry Potter (mostly AP though), entitled "Complete Silliness." It's fitting because that's what everything I post here will be. 

Here we go! Asterisks (****) mean time has past.  

__________________

Once upon a time in a fictional land, there lived a handsome Dark Lord named Tom Marvolo Riddle. He hated all things in life -- people, food, rain, sun, even cotton candy -- and yet he was obsessed with living.

Alicia Pendragon couldn't understand it at all. Of course, it wasn't her area of expertise. That was Talia and Devin's job. They were the awesome peasant-wizard/knight(s) on a quest to defeat him. And Frederick was the one with a lighting scar on his forehead, to prove he'd survived Tom Marvolo Riddle's cleaning curse. And Jack was the freaky nemesis of Frederick who thought all muggles belonged in Azkaban, but for some reason stayed with Talia and Devin and Frederick. Maybe because he was sort of a muggle. But she'd learned not to remind him of that.

As a matter of fact, if she's had it her way, all this would be Alicia's area of expertise. But her father would rather she go to a bancy fall and marry a prandsome hince, or something of that sort. Like the union by marriage of two kingdoms would help the world at all! . . . Well, maybe a little, but it would be much more useful to defeat the Dark Lord. And more exciting.

That was why she devised a cunning plan. She would make the Devin-knight like her! And then he would invite her on the quest with him, and of course an honorable princess couldn't refuse a favor from a knight. That was what she would tell her father, anyway...

***********

"'JUST A GIRL?' WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"Boys are better fighters!" The blue-haired knight stated.

"WHAT? Oh, I'll show you, YOU STUPID KNI--"

"GUYS!" Talia yelled louder than Alicia would have thought possible. "We're supposed to be defeating Tom, here!" There was momentary silence, interrupted only by Frederick's groans.

"My head!"

The Dark Lord looked equally pained. "Your head? What about my entire body! And my wedding! Ugh, just take the stupid princess! I can't stand to be in your pathetic presence!" And he apparated away...

Then back again. "AND DON'T CALL ME TOM! I AM--erm... uh..."

"Stupid?" Alicia supplied, very annoyed with all the going-ons. She hated being kidnapped, and her plans to woo Devin were tossed to the wind, because no way was she ever speaking to the jerk again.

"Yeah, Stupid!" And then he realized what he was agreeing to. "I mean no, you insolent noble! I am... AHRIMAN!" He apparated away again.

"... Ahriman? Is that suppose to be scary?" Jack started laughing. "Sounds- like 'Mary- Ann!'- Fool!"

Frederick groaned again and clutched his head. Alicia rolled her eyes. "Well, you rescued me! Congratulations, peasants! As payment for your services, I will now join your quest!"

"WHAT?" Devin protested.

"You heard her, Devin!" Talia gushed. "Ooh, finally there's another girl! I'm not the only brains anymore!"

This what met by general annoyanceexcept from Alicia, who smirked at the success of her plan.

"Ooh, finally! A rich muggle to steal from!" Jack grinned.

That put a damper in her mood.

*********************

This was it. The end of the war had finally come. That, or the end of the world. Whichever came first.

"Aww, not you again!" Ahriman drawled in a whining voice. "Can't you let me take over the world, achieve immortality, and kill muggles in peace?"

"Your time on this earth is over, Tom!" Talia proclaimed fiercely.

There was a momentary silence, over which only the sound of Frederick's groans could be heard. Talia nudged the dozing knight standing next to her. "Hmm? What? I 'gree with Talia!" He drifted off again. Alicia rolled her eyes.

"Die, Ahriman!"

"Ooh, you remembered my name!" The Demon Dark Lord gushed. "I should reward you! DEATH EATERS!"

Hooded figures immediately appeared beside him. "Yes, my lord?"

"Bring this girl my supply of lemon drops! You know, those ones that the Dumbledore forced on us. Remember him? That scary old druid of time?"

"Yes, lord."

They disapparated.

"What? I don't want your lemon drops!" Alicia protested, disgusted.

Lord Ahriman made an insulted noise. "Fine, you ungrateful swine! Don't take them!"

The death eaters apparated back in and handed Alicia the lemon drops.

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?" Ahriman screamed. "NO LEMON DROPS FOR THE UNGRATEFUL SWINE!"

The cloaked wizards dropped the candy like a hot potato and cowered. "Sorry, Lor--"

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?" The deatheaters shrank back, shaking.

Devin rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just defy him?"

Ahriman gasped. "HOW DARE YOU-"

"COTTON CANDY!" Sang a voice that sounded suspiciously like Jack's.

Maybe because it was Jack's. He twirled into the room, glowing, holding bags of fluffy pink perfection. Frederick momentarily forgot to groan.

Talia sighed. "Jack, really we don't have ti--"

"GET THAT HORRID CONFECTION OUT OF MY SIGHT!" bellowed the Dark Lord, jumping into the arms of the nearest deatheater and cowering even as he shot a black glare in the candy's direction.

Jack's good mood melted like a popsicle abandoned in the desert on the hottest day of July. "But..." his lip trembled and tears started streaming from his eyes. "But I worked so hard to bring it here all just for you and I almost lost it once and three times I nearly diiiiiiied!" He was sobbing before he even finished the sentence. "Please take it!" He bawled, shoving it at Ahriman.

The demon hissed and recoiled. "No! NO! NOO! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STUPID MUGGLE! NO! AGH!" He leaped from the deatheater's arms and pulled out his staff. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Frederick dived in front of Jack, but too late. The curse had already connected.

The body hit the ground with a resounding thud. Everyone stared, deatheater, wizards, and muggles alike.

"YEAH!" Devin cheered, sweeping Talia into his arms and dancing. "FINALLY!"

"MY HEAD IS AT PEACE AT LAST!" Frederick rejoiced.

"HAHA! YOU ALL SO TOTALLY OWE ME!" Jack whooped, tossing the cotton candy into the air in jubilation.

Now you are thinking I made some typo, because Jack died, didn't he?

No, he most certainly did not. Ahriman had destroyed himself, rather than be in the presence of the hated cotton candy for another second.

Alicia could have kissed Jack, except that he'd so totally stolen her thunder.

Stupid thief.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she huffed, "let's get out of here already."

"What? No celebration for my remarkable achievement?" Jack whined.

"No celebration for my skull's relief?" Frederick added.

Devin looked distraught and squeaked, "No... cake?"

"We can eat these lemon drops!" The deatheaters suggested helpfully.

Alicia bit her lip, and fumed, and tried to look powerful and commanding, but nobody was yielding so she said, "FINE! I'll spread the good news to the world myself!"

And she spun on her heel to do just that, but that sneaky thief was suddenly in front of her.

And then they died. Of remorse.

Just kidding. Actually Alicia grabbed Jack fiercely, and slapped him, and kissed him on his slimy thieving lips.

"That's for stealing my thunder, fool!"

"Ah!" Jack objected, insulted. "Then this," he said, grabbing a lemon drop and forcing it into her mouth, "is for stealing my word, and for putting your dirty muggle lips on my dirty muggle lips!"

Alicia scrunched up her mouth because it was sour, and then, you will never guess what that horrible no good very bad little sneak did. It was so terrible that I don't even want to tell you. No, seriously, you will freak out and die. Of remorse.

Oh, sorry. That happened earlier.

What we talkin' about?

Oh, yeah. Well, the awful, terrible truth of the story is this.

Talia and Devin got married, and changed their last name to Weasley.

Oops, wrong part. That comes later, and it isn't even part of this story. What really happened next was Frederick accidentally swallowed a fly, and the deatheaters had to use Sectum Sempra to perform an emergancy surgery to get it out of his system.

But that's not the terrible part. Obviously, because Jack didn't do anything in it. So what did Jack do? Well. It's so terrible that I have to whisper it, so that Alicia will not hear. So come close. Ahem.

(He kissed her.)

THE GROSS AND TERRIFYING END, THEY LIVED HAPPILY GROSS EVER AFTER AND RODE INTO THE SUNSET OF AZKABAN ON A THESTRAL OF DEATH, WHILE DEMENTORS WERE CONFUSED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T TAKE AWAY THE HAPPINESS OF TRUE LOVE'S GROSSOCITY!

__________________________________________

Hahahahaha oops, sorry, I guess that was a little fluffy. But it was mostly funny, right? Right?

 


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#2 Reena

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 12:12 PM

Wonderful! It was just so funny. And Alicia and Jack's pairing was great. And love it!
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Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms.

#3 Mu11berry

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 04:45 AM

Thank you! I love making people laugh, and I also love when my pairings don't freak people out too much, ahaha



#4 BlackPrincess

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 05:31 AM

.............XD XD XD XD XD
I don't think I even need 2 say it XD XD
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When destiny forgets to tie some people in blood relation

It corrects its mistake by making them true friends

 

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#5 Mu11berry

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Posted 19 April 2017 - 10:38 PM

@Blackprincess: Hahaha, thanks! :D That's the reaction I was hoping for, haha  ^_^



#6 moonpeace

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Posted 26 April 2017 - 09:26 PM

This is the best thing my eyes have been blessed with all week. Your writing is Crack Goals. I absolutely love this lmao 


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#7 Mu11berry

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Posted 27 April 2017 - 04:20 AM

@Moonpeace: Thanks!! That's definitely the first time I've received that compliment XD Now that you mention it, I guess Jack and Alicia were my first crack ship, and I didn't even realize it, hahaha

 

@the internet: Here's a still hopefully funny but more cannon piece for you. There are some parts in the game that seem to suggest Lars carries the backpack. Other parts seem to indicate they all have a backpack and most fanfictions seem to go with this, but a few years ago I decided to poke fun at the first idea and so this story was born. 

If you've read my other thread or seen my art or anything else, you know this is not going to turn into a Lars romance, but I do actually like Lars as a character, so hopefully nobody feels like I'm bashing him either. 

And now presenting.......

 

The Backpack Incident

_______________________________________

"What?! You mean you want me, Lars Tenobor, apprentice sorcerer of Shadwood Academy, cousin of the Empress, to carry your backpack?"

"Yes. Yes, I do," Peta replied, thrusting the dirty brown sack at me.

Repulsed, I drew back. "Ew! No!"

"Lars, you're completely useless! I do all the fighting--No, don't interrupt!--All you do is tap things with your stupid staff, and it doesn't even kill spiders! CARRY THE BACKPACK!" The cave seemed to shudder, as if cowed by the former slave's wrath.

I was not so weak. "NO!"

"Fine, but do not expect me to protect you! Good bye!" She stalked off with the backpack and the candle, leaving me standing alone in the dark cave. She was such a moron. Did she not understand how blessed she was to have someone as intelligent and sophisticated as myself along? I rolled my eyes and would have turned to leave in the opposite direction, but my cousin, the Empress, likely would not have liked that very much, so instead I yelled, "PETA, WAIT! You know you can't just leave me here! The Empress herself--"

She whirled around and spoke through gritted teeth. "I--do--not--care! The Empress didn't know you would be so--so incompetent!" She practically crowed the last part, as if she'd thrown a very valid and hurtful insult in my face.

"I am not incompetent, you-"

"THEN CARRY THE BACKPACK!"

"NO!"

"Why? Are you afraid it will bite?" She waved it in my face.

"No!" I snapped defensively, glaring.

"Is it too heavy, then? You're just not strong enough?!"

"Excuse me? I am more than capable-"

"Poor, poor pathetic Lars!" she mocked.

"GIVE ME THAT!" I roared, snatching it out of her asinine grasp.

"GIVE IT BACK!" She shouted, trying to tug it out of my hands.

"SHOCK!" I yelled, whacking her with my staff. She flew off into the cave wall, slid to the ground, and scrambled to her feet. The candle landed unceremoniously beside her, going out and leaving us with only the smell of burnt wax.

"YOU--HOW DARE YOU!"

"Not so useless now, am I?" I shot back.

"YOU-YOU-YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE-"

"SHUT UP BEFORE I DO IT AGAIN!"

"SLIDE THRUST!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" I screamed as she hit my wrist with her practice sword, cutting it open. It felt like it was on fire. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" I ordered.

"NOT UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE!"

"NO!"

"FINE! It's not like I could heal it anyway..."

I gasped. "WHAT?"

"Well, you're the wizard, not me!"

"But I DO NOT KNOW ANY HEALING SPELLS!" I panicked.

"WELL, THAT IS TOO BAD, IS IT NOT? BESIDES, NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL-"

"WE ARE GOING BACK FOR THAT STUPID PRIESTESS LADY!" I informed her, already marching off.

"WAIT, YOU STUPID-"

"NO!"

******************************

The stupid priestess of whom I spoke was waiting by the gate, like she had been since I graciously agreed to accompany Peta on her ridiculous quest. Usually she asked us to "escort her to Aveyond," but this time she gathered her white robes in one hand and ran to us.

"What happened?" she askedimmediately, eyes wide.

Peta opened her mouth to respond. "He--"

"We were fighting... fighting mice--" here I threw a dirty glare at Peta--"and they... made us berserk! Yes, that must have been it, because when we tried to attack them, we ended up attacking each other! And unfortunately, we do not have any healing spells at this time. We would greatly appreciate-Excuse me, but this is not a laughing matter!"

The Priestess had started chuckling, and by the end of my sentence both she and that pathetic Peta were guffawing away what little wit they had left.

"S-Sorry!" the priestess gasped. "It's just-for a-noble-" she laughed for a long minute. "For a noble, you are not-a very-good-"

"Liar!" finished Peta, practically cackling.

My blood boiled. "I am not lying!"

The idiot Priestess finally managed to catch her breathe. "Oh, come now. It is all right; you are merely children, and children will fight-"

"I am not a child-" I protested.

"-Child or not," the Priestess continued obstinately, "these things happen. Now, I will make you a deal. I will heal your injuries, and you will escort me to Aveyond."

"Why do you need an escort, anyway?" I demanded. "Can't you escort yourself?"

She laughed. "Little old me, traveling through the wilderness alone? Imagine that!" She shook her head. "Come, show me your wounds, and then we can go."

I hesitated, but Peta bounded forward and parted her hair to display the bump where my staff had connected with her head. I rolled my eyes as the Priestess started tsking softly, and muttering. I couldn't tell whether she was casting her healing spells or talking to Peta, but when my eyes came back around the bump was gone. Sighing, I moved forward and thrust my wrist in front of me.

"Do not touch it!" I commanded.

"Of course not," she promised, instead grabbing my thumb and pinky. I huffed.

"I meant do not touch me at all-- AUGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" My skin seemed to be jumping, and it itched to the point of being painful.

"Healing you!" she said. "Just stand still for a moment longer..." I couldn't help but peek at my arm. The cut was sewing itself back together at an almost alarming rate. "There, all finished," the Priestess announced, letting my arm drop back to my side. "Now, shall we depart?"

"We did not agree- Wait, where are you idiots going? No! WAIT!" I ran after their retreating backs, struggling to keep my balance as I threw Peta's stinky bag over my noble shoulder.

Someday they were going to realize that I was in charge.


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