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Rhen's quest

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Thanks a lot. :) . Oh, he gets meaner and meaner. Wait till Shadwood. :)

@agas- Not THREE months Later.

 

Rhen came to the Tenobar Household and the first thing she realised was that it was much bigger than her home in Clear Water. It had been one month before she had been bought.

 

She wanted to thank the kid who had bought her. At least she was free. But that feeling of gratefulness would soon disappear.

 

The girl entered the house and was soon sent to Mistress Rona who told her to serve Lars. Lars was pleased to see the girl was smart enough to know that he was Lars. But after all, who didn't know him?

 

Lars decided to antagonise the girl. He said, " Go clean my clothes." The girl looked shocked at such an order but went to clean the clothes. Lars wondered whether this girl would be hard to break at all.

 

Then he set about wondering what other task he could get the girl to do. Cleaning clothes took two hours. Next, .... Let's make her kill the rats. The girl came back tottering under the pile and put it in the cupboard. Then Lars told her, "Kill the Rats."

 

 

Next Chapter, Rhen's Rats.

 

Secondly, third part will be around 5 chapters. 3 left.

 

Third, Shadwood is part three and VERY long.

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I'm also going to nitpick at this, so I apologize for this.

 

Stick to one tense. Do not switch from present to past to present. I can't concentrate on the writing much when I notice this mistake happening frequently.

 

Next is one pet peeve of mine: bad writing of dialogue. First of all, this is how dialogue should be written:

"Dolphins are gay sharks," she said.

There should be no space after the first quotation mark.

 

If you use the proper storytelling way of dialogue, you should also stick with that. I noticed the part where Peter talks. It's like how you write it in plays, or something. No, use quotation marks.

 

Never use all caps and more than one exclamation point. I used to do this, and I'm ashamed of it. Don't capitalize a whole word, since an exclamation point would already tell the reader that the person is yelling. More than one exclamation point just looks like what a weanie would do, seriously,

 

Write out all your numbers. It doesn't matter if it's something as huge as five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred, it should be written out unless it's a code, or a telephone number, or part of a name.

 

If you start a new paragraph, double space. Always. Don't just single space. This is the internet, where single spacing makes the text look smushy.

 

Don't capitalize words randomly. "Lass" is not a proper noun. If it were a title, all right, go ahead, but the way Rhen's father used it, it wasn't a title. So yeah.

 

Lastly, you need to brush up on your writing. It's quite bland. There aren't really descriptions, and it doesn't sound unique enough that I want to continue reading. Don't just tell, show what the story is about.

 

Good luck. c:

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Well, I hope to actually get some high quality writing done this time around and will include a bit of exaggerations. Please tell me any mistake I made because I wish to write a book in the future.

 

Chapter

It had taken Rhen just five minutes to ascertain how she felt about Lars. His character was decided. He was the meanest, most arrogant brat that

ever walked the planet. And now, that monster was forcing her to kill rats. Rhen had a flashback about her last experience with rats.

 

She had been sleeping peacefully in her bed in Clearwater. Thinking about her bed made her wonder whether she would have a comfortable bed here. The slave trader had made her sleep with the horses. The smell had disgusted her. Back to that day when she woke up to see a rat biting her. It had hurt. And then the rat ran away. How was she to kill something which she feared?

 

Atleast, Lars would not be there to watch her futile attempts at killing the mouse. Then Rhen had a sudden idea. Lars' mother had given her some stale cheese. She thought, "What if...?" That could never work. But rats did like cheese. So Rhen made a trail of cheese while the two left for the market after giving her a list of chores. The rats followed the trail, ate the cheese and started running back to their holes. That was when she saw a stick and started the attack.

 

The battle was hard fought despite it being against a mouse. After many bites, Rhen managed to kill the mouse gang of three. Seeing the blood, she felt sick because of two reasons. She had never killed anything. But what made her sick was that she would have to clean up the mess. The mess was cleaned with her own slave clothes. It was gross beyond belief. She then cleaned the dishes and soon went outside to clean her clothes or a better word, her rags. She cleaned them and the stain came off. Though they had torn from the bottom up to her knees. She then waited for her masters.

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Thanks. Guys, please inform me about what I should improve. If you feel nervous about posting, feel free to PM me on what I can improve

 

 

CHAPTER

 

A whole month had passed in the Tenobar household. Rhen had never experienced a more miserable month. The last week had been made worse because she was now expected to do all the work Mistress Rona told her.

 

The only good thing was that Rhen had been allowed to buy a fat 380 page book in which she record her year along with a quill. She decided to set out the first few pages to write about the people she knew. About Mistress Rona she wrote:

 

 

"Mistress Rona is one of those arrogant rich people who think they own the world. One day I hope she will get a rude awakening. Hopefully, I can show her that slaves are worth more than mud."

 

As might be expected Rhen took the utmost of care that no one would see her diary for obvious reasons. Her note on Lars would embarrass her. The reason was a small note she wrote on his hair and noble face while claiming him to be a brat.

 

That day she went to her bedside table and saw a list of chores, another one of Mistress Rona's innovations. The first task was to kill the spiders in the basement. First time, she would go there.

 

Rhen entered the basement to encounter spiders that were as large as the rats she killed. She killed all three with relative ease but found that a blackish liquid was flowing over her hand. She was so conscious of the disgusting liquid on her hand that she could not help screaming, " Gross!"

 

After this was completed, Rhen went to the tailor's shop. Terlin was the name of the tailor and she was always so nice to her. As Rhen entered, Terlin cried out, "Hello, Rhen. What can I do for you?"

 

Rhen replied, " I have to come to pick up Lar's travel clothes for Mistress Rona. Are they ready?"

 

At which Terlin told her they were and Rhen promptly left the shop and returned to the house. Rhen then proceeded to inform Mistress Rona of all the happening and asked her permission to play outside. This request was unsurprisingly turned down and Rhen was then given the task to hunt for Lars.

 

Firstly, Rhen decided to check out near the grove of trees where Lars liked to hang out with his two weirdo friends. She saw him and walked up to him but could not stop a fleeting thought about his handsome face. She forced herself not to blush and said, "Mistress Rona says you are to come home and eat supper."

 

Lars was annoyed at what he saw as a clear command from a slave and replied, "Was that a command? I'll go when I feel like going."

 

At which one of his friends named Ylitta commented that Rhen still did not get the place.

 

Rhen was nervous and started to finger the bracelet which was her lone reminder of her real life. Hector noticed it and said, "What is that thing on her wrist." Rhen wondered how someone could not realize what it was. Lars said that it was a bracelet at which point Hector piped up, "Ha! My mother would never let one of our slave girls where something so nice." Lars seemed angry and informed Hector that they could not take it off.

 

They debated whether they should pry it but Lars decided to remove it by magic. When the slave, as Lars called her objected, he said he would have her flogged. A blast and the bracelet came off.

 

Rhen was afraid and shaking with anger and said, "You could have killed me."

 

Lars replied, "You are just a slave. Who would care?"

 

Rhen got angry and screamed she was Rhen which made Lars and his group laugh. Ylitta confessed that Rhen reminded her of her foolish puppy and said it's name was Peta and urged Lars to name her.

 

Lars said, " If it's good enough for a dog, it's good enough for her. I hereby name you Peta."

 

Rhen replied a weak, " Whatever." Then she left and ran back to the house.

 

As soon as she entered Mistress Rona repeated that her son was away and that Rhen should find her. Rhen replied, " He is on his way home." She was scolded and talking back and sent to bed without supper. That night, staying awake Rhen added on her note of Mistress Rona:

" One Day I will show her that I am as good as them."

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Well,first of all sorry for the long delay. I didn't feel up to much writing so....

Secondly, I'm going to make some changes to the story. Starting with the fact that I feel that one push to the ground should not make Rhen that angry. So a small change.

 

CHAPTER

Rhen's stomach was accustomed to large stretches without food but it still rebelled occasionally. The last night had been one of those times when her stomach decided to make sure sleep was impossible. When she finally got up and left the room, she was surprised to find Mistress Rona agitated and without pausing to contemplate Rhen, Mistress Rona said, "Oh dear! Oh dear! Where is Lars? The emissaries will be her any minute. Do not just stand here, go and get my son, you worthless slave."

Remembering the lack of nutrition yesterday night, Rhen replied, " Yes, mistress." Then she dashed out the door and headed south to the grove of trees. It was then she saw Lars.

 

As soon as she got near Lars, Eddie screamed, "Help me, Rhen!"

 

Lars was always mean to slaves. Despite the fact she was his slave, Rhen could not help but say, "What do you think you are doing to that slave boy, Lars?"

 

Lars could not believe that a mere slave could dare question him and shot back, Ha! Who is going to stop me? You!" And he shoved her.

 

Rhen was angry but got even angrier when Lars put his foot on top of her and kicked her. Repulsed, she picked up a nearby stick, and thrust it at Lars. To her surprise, a bolt of lightning shot out of it.

Lars was angry and was about to respond when two strangers approached. One with blonde hair and one with red. The blonde haired stranger took the stick from Rhen and examined it. Finally he said,"Interesting!"

 

Lars was angry and said, " This is no business of yours, strangers."

 

The red haired man looked at his partner and said, " This must be Lars. Harald said he had a fiery temper." Lars turned red as he realized this was the delegation that would accompany him to Shadwood.

 

To redeem himself, Lars said, " She tried to kill me."

 

The blonde haired man replied, " I am Gelda. Lorad, you saw her use magic too, right? I can't sense her gift."

 

Lorad said, " I sensed her gift but it does not make any sense. She used a stick to draw power. Only the strongest can do that. Girl, what is your name"

 

Rhen felt a tinge of anticipation as she realized that not only was she not going to b punished, she would, in all likelihood be able to escape. Trembling, she replied " Rhen, sir."

 

Lorad said, " You are a slave, am I correct?" When Rhen nodded, he continued, " You must travel to Veldarah and join Shadwood Academy." Handing her a token he continued, " You need this to gain admittance. You belong to the empress now."

 

There was a sudden explosion next to her as Lars screamed, "Nooooooooo." On the other hand Rhen said, " I am free."

 

Ghelda took Lars by the hand and said, " We will leave soon. Lorad, join us." And with that the two of them left after telling Rhen the exact directions to Shadwood

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@everyone- Aww, guess I don't have a lot of readers.

Oh well,

 

PART 2- Life in Veldarah

Rhen was eager to be on her way but all the same, she had to inform one person where she was going. That person was Terlin. Terlin had been kind to Rhen and had been a source of happiness while the rest of her life was filled with despair.

 

The second Terlin heard the news, she exclaimed, “What is this? You have been freed and are going to Shadwood Academy? The Gods must be looking out for you. Hope you have the best of luck. Now hurry child, before they change their mind.” And with that Terlin ushered her out of the shop as they made their Good byes.

 

Rhen ran all the way to the edge of the town forgetting a slave was not allowed to leave town. The guard said, “Slaves are not allowed to leave town.” At this point, Rhen showed her token; apprehensive whether she would be able to get to Veldarah. And suddenly, the guard saluted and let her pass.

 

The way to Veldarah was littered with spiders and chickens which she avoided as she continued to go North East. Finally, a wooden gate appeared. She had reached Veldarah.

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Chapter

Rhen entered the city through the polished white archway. The fresh smell of tea was easily discernible among the other smells that filtered through her nostrils. The long trip had left Rhen famished like never before and she decided to stop for a drink.

After Rhen sat down and gave her order, she finally glanced around taking in the breathtaking view. The buildings here were much taller than she was used To. Infact, they towered over her and left her awed. Soon, the waiter brought over her order. As she ate, Rhen realised she was being stared at by nearly every passerby. At first, this left her confused but then she realised how odd it must be to see a slave sipping some tea. After paying the bill, she left to ask directions to Shadwood academy.

Finally, she managed to pluck up the courage to ask a guy wearing a blue shirt and brown pants for directions. He replied, 'Go straight up this street until you see a tall three storied building, then take a left, continue onwards, then take another left, then take the second left and you're there.' Rhen asked him to repeat the directions and thanked him.

She saw the three storied building which she observed had a weapons shop. That could prove useful. There were a few swords and staffs visible from the window. She continued on her way and finally reached the school. It was a large building made of marble. The building's windows were grilled of a material that Rhen suspected to be iron. With a feeling, she was entering a prison, Rhen crossed the front door witb a feeling of anxiety.

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