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CrimsonRedSky

The Melodies of Rhiannon

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Notes: I am not a really good writer, so suggestions would be helpful! ^^ enjoy and comment please!

If you see a mistake please don't hesitate to tell me!

NOTE:It is very unlikely this will be continued, due to my school schedule. I have the other chapters on paper, if you want me to PM them to you I will, when I have time. Just send me a message.

 

 

 

 

The Melody of Rhiannon

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

Along time ago, in the kingdom of Prismshard, there was the royal family, the maids and servants, the fairies and elves that danced around, and endless commoners. Among them was the elven maid Rhiannon. Her hair was long and it flowed like a blood red river. Her eyes were wide pools of brown, filled with endless curiousity. Her skin was as pale as the moon, and her figure was slender and fragile, despite all the work she had done over the years. She served a cruel mistress named Julian, who hated Rhiannon with every bone in her body. Julian’s husband died from the smallpox, and ever since then Julian has taken a vow of hatred towards Rhiannon and the elves. Rhiannon disliked her misplaced anger, but she had no control over what Julian did, or thought for that matter. Julian’s hair was raven-black, and her eyes were light green. Her gaze was as hard as a rock, and her eyes were filled with sorrow and outrage. She had several other servants, but she treated Rhiannon the worst and gave her the worst jobs. However, there were two jobs that Rhiannon actually liked out of all she gave her: gardening and organizing the library. But little did Julian know that it would turn out to be her biggest mistake...

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*is trying to guess what's gonna happen next* I have thousands of guesses and it's very unlikely that any of them will be correct :D I can't wait till you update it.

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Red = corrections I made

Green = words added

 

A long time ago, in the kingdom of Prismshard, there were the royal family, the maids and servants, the fairies and elves that danced around, and the endless commoners. Among them was the elven maid Rhiannon. Her hair was long and it flowed like a blood red river. Her eyes were wide pools of brown, filled with endless curiosity. Her skin was as pale as the moon, and her figure was slender and fragile, despite all the work she had done over the years. She served a cruel mistress named Julian, who hated Rhiannon with every bone in her body. Julian’s husband died from the smallpox, and ever since then Julian had taken a vow of hatred towards Rhiannon and the elves. Rhiannon disliked her misplaced anger, but she had no control over what Julian did, or thought for that matter. Julian’s hair was raven-black, and her eyes were light green. Her gaze was as hard as a rock, and her eyes were filled with sorrow and outrage. She had several other servants, but she treated Rhiannon the worst and gave her the worst jobs. However, there were two jobs that Rhiannon actually liked out of all she gave her: gardening and organizing the library. But little did Julian know that it would turn out to be her biggest mistake...

 

I fixed the obvious grammatical errors. I would have rephrased some sentences too, but then that would affect the whole paragraph. Some notes of mine:

 

1. "A long" is not the same as along. Along is an adverb.

 

2. If you're enumerating, remember to put "the" or "my" in front of the separate objects. For example:

My mother and my father are not the same person. That sentence is pointing out two different people.

My best friend and enemy likes to backstab people. Here you're talking about one person.

 

3. Do not infodump. Just... it's a horrible mistake everyone makes when they start writing. A story gets boring when you suddenly start describing your character in very purple prose. It's better to gradually let the reader get an idea of what your character looks like.

The bad thing is that in just your introduction you already described two characters' appearances when you didn't have to.

 

4. How could someone be pale, fragile, and slender if they do household work? Since Rhiannon does gardening, she would be in the sun all day, meaning she should have a tan. Since she gets the worst jobs, she should have a strong body that could be thin, but not fragile and slender as you say.

 

5. It's a little crazy how Julian's husband dies of smallpox and then she suddenly hates elves. Maybe a bit more information to back it up would work. Yeah, you'll explain more in the story, but it's not convincing enough to keep me reading. ><

 

6. Remember, do not keep everything in one paragraph. If you start a new topic, then make a new paragraph. One whole block of text is ugly to look at, and it hurts the eyes.

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