Jump to content
Aveyond Studios Community
Sign in to follow this  
Kleptin

Love, Marriage, Comittment

Recommended Posts

With Valentine's day fast approaching, I thought this would be a nice topic of discussion.

 

This goes out especially to all the married users and the users in seriously committed relationships where marriage is definitely on the horizon.

 

I want to talk about your views on love, commitment, what makes a relationship work, how your relationship with your current partner differs from that of your past ones, how you manage arguments and disagreements and work past the tough times, etc. and about how children have affected your marriage.

 

I'd also like to hear stories about how you met and how and when you knew you were in love.

 

GO! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I married my high school sweetheart, so there aren't really any other relationships to compare it with (Jr. High relationships don't really count - quite superficial).

 

We survived high school, being apart most of the time throughout college, and moving to a new city together, before getting married. That's how I knew she was the one: through times of stress, through change, through uncertainty, our relationship was always constant and strong.

 

I think that's the real test for the strength of a relationship and whether or not a marriage can work. Sure, every relationship looks perfect through the dreamy-idealistic-romance-mush filter, and don't get me wrong, we do have that, but it's the everyday-good times-bad times filter you need to look through.

 

If you are wondering if someone is the one for you, you don't need to imagine being with them in Paris or on a romantic tropical island. Of course things are going to look great in those circumstances. Instead, picture doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, grocery shopping, or just relaxing and watching tv with them. Even in those dull times, are you still happy and having fun being with them? Then that is the right person for you. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WTG, Arg!

My high-school sweetheart & I will hit 28yrs next month. (and we still like each other.)

 

I agree, it's the little things...

 

I also believe that both people have to believe in it. If either person has doubts about whether it's possible to live monogamously for life, then it will eventually fail.

 

I don't believe in 'soul-mates', insomuch as there is one, and only one perfect match for each person. I'm rather certain there are thousands of other women out there that I could have been equally successful with.

 

I do think it's necessary that you both have mostly the same set of common core values, and a few common interests. But independence is important too.

Of course, those things should be established BEFORE you get married.

 

Be Well

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well in my case, I waited until rather late in life to find my spouse (my mother gave up on me really ;P). I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship (I kept telling my friend I didn't know what to do with a boyfriend) and he was much readier than I to talk about "love" which is odd since he was the one who was skittish after his divorce. Eventually I couldn't tell myself that I WASN'T in love, so I gave in.

 

The most important thing about my husband is that he supports me and believes in me. He's really a rock for me and we rarely disagree about things although we do get frustrated by things - two "type A personalities" can be a recipe for anxiety squared.

 

As for kids, I stepped into a ready-made family since my husband had two from his previous marriage. It's odd to be the "non-mom" even though eventually their mom passed away and we became full-time parents, but my husband is extremely responsible, so I don't really have any horror stories about it. Since the kids were older, we could let them deal with lots of their own problems, so it wasn't as time consuming as it might be when they were little. It does mean that we can't be as spontaneous as we were on nights when we didn't have the kids, but really it doesn't change our fundamental relationship. When you find a relationship which works, it is a great blessing and I am very thankful to have found this one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was like.. 16. I met mine on Starcraft. I was making fun of him well.. basically just spamming his name because somebody typed it in front of me and knew that he hated the fact that I knew it, because he didn't like internet people knowing his name. I was like HI BRETT HI BRETT HI BRETT. I did this for months until he finally replied to me and I was kinda shocked he did. We exchanged MSNs, I popped on my cam, he didn't have one and I started chattering away.

 

He had a girlfriend at the time, but he was unhappy with her. She cheated on him before and we talked for 2 years. When she dumped him, I cheered him up and then we got close, I flew out to meet him.

 

I knew he was the one because I never connected with somebody as fast as I did with him. I think I loved him from the 3rd DAY I knew him. I think he knew too, but he had to coax me to admit it.

 

 

Nowwww, we have 2 kids and are engaged. 2 and 3 months old

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I never had a relationship, because i never fell in love with someone. People asked me to give them a chance, that love can grow later on in the relationship,... But I feel like i would be cheating myself if i had a relationship with someone I don't love.

 

I don't believe in soulmates, or ment-to-be's.

If you hear the stories of some people saying "we are ment to be", but they break up every 2 weeks, or they met their man/wife in the most miraculous circumstances, I think it would be rather strange if everyone has someone special waiting for them, what are the odds?

 

I think the most important in a relationship is commitment, and trust.

 

Kipani, that is so wonderfull that you met your husband online, I could never imagine that actually happening!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I saw on a commercial 4/5 online relationships are successful and last longer than meeting people irl. I guess because online you have no walls and barriers so you feel safe to open up and make friends.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

kipani wrote:

I saw on a commercial 4/5 online relationships are successful and last longer than meeting people irl. I guess because online you have no walls and barriers so you feel safe to open up and make friends.

 

Yes, I believe it's also that people aren't so shy to start talking about "deeper topics" soon instead of shallow small talk which is usual when you meet people irl. So you can get to know the person better and it's more likely to form a relationship with the right one, while irl people (spec. younger ones) often start dating based on shallow traits, without really knowing each other's personality, ideas, opinions, values and such.

 

I'm still in a long distance relationship (we have met irl too) that was started by emailing more than 4 years ago. We do plan on living together but so far it's been complicated with money and bureacracy. But we're both comitted and serious about it even when it's so difficult with how to solve it practically.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

actually I never allow myself to have a close bond wit online people, and does the article speak about people that have met each otehr, or do long distance relationships ith people you never actually met count as well?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good for you luz, love is worth it. The feeling it gives you is like none other, especially to be able to be completely yourself and unguarded. And yannes when people say soulmate or meant to be, I dont think they mean ONE person only. Lots of people can be your soul mate because nobody is entirely unique. I mean thats just imo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

how bout a more cynical/'practical' view from the kid rather than the parents?

 

My mum and dad - I get the strong feeling they're only together because:

1. They have kids

2. It's cheaper to stay together

3. They haven't pissed each other enough to go through the hassle of divorce

4. It's easier to stay together because of the patterns that have been developed. They are old so there's no point in changing right now when it works well enough.

 

They don't hate each other or fight all the time (though the fights can get really nasty and sometimes over really petty things). But there's not really a sense that they love each other either. It's more like.... hmm.... higher than roommate level but less than 'we want to be together' level.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ktc: at least your parents are together. There are those married couples that don’t have a good relationship to begin with, aren’t committed to the slightest and still have children for the heck of it. And make things miserable for their children just because they don’t wanna live together any longer. I mean, sure, they don’t wanna be committed anymore, who asked them to have kids? They don’t know how sufferable their children are when they go around acting like children themselves. It’s plain pathetic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@kipani: negative? naw, I'm being practical. it's what happens when you're emotionally stunted (dad's words paraphrased). :P

 

@lovinlife: Though is being together for convenience sake (as I pretty much described) that much better for the kid than a noncommitted couple?

 

Drawing from my experience (and other people's experiences because it came up in a discussion): We're not really feeling the love either way. We're provided for physically but emotionally? That's lacking. It gets to the point that we don't even know how to communicate with our parents beyond education related stuff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Certainly. Having your parents live in different houses, and going back and forth in order to meet the both of them sucks big time, compared to living in the same house with both your parents. Even though they still have their stupid quarrels from time to time. At least you get to see both your parents, at least one person is happy in the family, rather than having the entire family tearing apart just because the parents aren’t committed.

 

Imagine not even doing that to both your parents cuz they aren’t living together anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@lovinlife:

 

I never mentioned anyone being happy in this situation lol- I am not happy. I can't say my parents are happy either because its more like they are resigned about their fate. Make the most out of it. While I agree its certainly better than having to go through the hassle of moving back and forth between houses, no one is really happy in our house either.

 

And seeing both parents in the same house? I don't know, i'm rather apathetic about my family as a whole. I would rather have both parents in the same house because its convenient. Not because I would be emotionally distressed but because of the practicality of the whole thing. Learning to internalize everything isn't good emotionally as you can see.

 

Honestly sometimes I get the urge to ask them if they would do it all over again. If they regret getting together and having us. But I don't because I'm afraid of the answer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And how much more can you make of it?

 

Being together with the whole family is something one can’t ask for anything else more, imo.

 

Heh, it’s useless to some people who’ve been asked that question a million times before. It just never works out.

 

You know, before having kids and wrecking their lives too, two people should think twice about it.

 

(Wow, I didn’t know it’s so easy to be open on the internet.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@lovinlife:

 

Being together physically means just that: physically. It's like being in the same room as your assigned roommate. There needn't be an emotional component to it.

 

But that's the disturbing part to it when it comes to family. How are you suppose to feel when your family seems to only be in one house because its more practical than being split? That everything is 'together' only for convenience sake?

 

I choose to not to feel about it and look for the practicalities/conveniences of such a situation. It's easier that way lol.

 

As for thinking about family before having one: The sad thing is that people aren't really great at long term thinking. What you think doesn't translate into what will happen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's always hard to know what the future will hold for a couple. I know that my husband and his first wife thought that they would be married forever and yet it didn't happen that way. The kids suffered of course - divorce is hard on kids. When my husband married me, we were doing the one day here, one day there thing with them and it was kind of crazy, but we all made it work. In the end, I think things worked out for the better, but it wasn't ideal by a long shot. It doesn't have to be a wreck any more than the alternative is.

 

As far as online relationships, I know of a friend who met her husband that way and is now married for 15 years and counting, so it can work. Of course, you also hear about the scam artists and abusers out there too, so it's not all tea and roses.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My hubby and I met when we were back home one summer from our respective universities. What was supposed to be a summer fling surprised us both and ended up lasting, mainly because we decided distance was a stupid reason to break up when we loved each other. We ended up doing long distance during school terms for the next three years (and one year when I got a job in another city) but it worked. We're just coming on 10 years together (married now) and I can't imagine my life without him. I think the reason why we work so well is that he's absolutely my best friend.

 

Kipani-you had a really interesting comment about 4/5 online relationships working, possibly because online forces you to talk and get to know each other. Although my hubby and I didn't meet online, during our first school term away I was in Scotland & he was in Canada and we were both pretty broke, meaning that to talk we did it almost all online since calling was expensive (and Skype wasn't invented!). Anyhow, I think it's the same idea, as we got to know each other so much better since the only way to stay in touch was to talk. I found it harder to get lost in small talk, since he didn't know any of the people I was living/hanging out with over there, so ended up really getting to know our ideas, goals, and opinions with much deeper topics.

 

Kleptin-and may I add what a nice topic :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My parents had a kind of "fairy tale" romance - they married young and they stayed together and happy until my dad died, and since then my mom hasn't remarried or even dated anyone else. Maybe that's why I have a rather sentimental view of marriage. I'm fine with people living commonlaw and all, but if I were to ever find that right person, I would want to have the big ceremony so I could feel bonded to her.

 

And yes, I said "her." I'm also a lesbian, so unsurprisingly, I'm a huge advocate for gay marriage, partly because I think it's just plain stupid to deny marriage to people who love each other, and partly for selfish reasons because I want to have that option if I ever fall in love.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

D'awww, what a sweet thread >.>

 

I identify as an aromantic asexual, so really, I've never been in a relationship, have never desired to be in one, and don't see myself getting into one in the future.

 

But that's just me. I still believe in love in the romantic sense because I've seen it in other people. My parents clearly still love each other 35 years later after their wedding day. They're not the "lovey dovey" types, but it's the little things they do for each other that seem to count, like when my dad, in his retirement, still wakes up early to make my mom breakfast before she goes to work, or when my mom patiently shows my dad for the fifth time how to upload music to his iPod...and then promptly teases him for his inability to learn how to work it xD (Although, since then, my mom's sorta given up on that and my dad's given up on his iPod, haha)

 

Also, on the hospital floor I work on, there's a married couple who are there as patients. They were with us before, in separate rooms, because the husband needed to be isolated due to him taking chemotherapy. Still, every evening, his wife would take her dinner tray, put it on her table, and wheel it over to her husband's room so they could eat together, even though she had difficulty walking and he was on the other end of the hall.

 

I was the wife's nurse for a few night shifts and had talked with her for a few minutes. Her husband's diagnosis was obviously distressing for her, and she is clearly sad that so many years of love would end because of cancer. However, she adamantly stays by his side through it all, and he (even with his sickness and pain) sticks by her. Seeing them stay together through thick and thin makes me see that love and marriage really can work and pull through the most trying of circumstances.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Off topic post is off topic XD *gets hit*

 

@aeternus: when I saw aromantic asexual, I was misreading it as aromatic asexual and it confused me a lot. An asexual who likes smelly things, or an asexual who smells nice? wah?

 

XD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Quote:

 

 

how bout a more cynical/'practical' view from the kid rather than the parents?

 

My mum and dad - I get the strong feeling they're only together because:

1. They have kids

2. It's cheaper to stay together

3. They haven't pissed each other enough to go through the hassle of divorce

4. It's easier to stay together because of the patterns that have been developed. They are old so there's no point in changing right now when it works well enough.

 

They don't hate each other or fight all the time (though the fights can get really nasty and sometimes over really petty things). But there's not really a sense that they love each other either. It's more like.... hmm.... higher than roommate level but less than 'we want to be together' level.

 

Lols. That's exactly what I think about my parents. They keep arguing most of the time on weird things. Once they got into a fight whether its pronounced dementors in Harry Potter or Dementaars. Really weird

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mom and dad had a late marriage. Both of their first marriages failed...they were cheated on..then they met each other...they are polar opposites but they love each other. :) They've been together for 16 years now. They have occasional fights about small stuff but not big ones...more like little quarells. :)

 

Me? EH....I've had crushes and recently a big one but I got over it...so...I'm ridin' solo! :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...