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Aveyond I: Rhen's Quest Parody

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Chapter 14: Schnitzel, anyvun?


Voice: When the train rolls by

I'm gonna be ready this time

When the boy gets that look in his eye

I'm gonna be ready this time

When my momma says I look good in white

I'm gonna be ready this time


Oh yeah

Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run!

All I'm ready to do is have some fun

What's all this talk about love?

Talia: I gather you're the Dixie Chicks Wolf(DCW)?

Snow Wolf: Exactly! Meet my dancer, the do-si-do ox.

Do-si-do Ox(DSDO): Hi!


Rhen beas up DCW and DSDO.

Talia: You liked it with the Taylor Swift Wolf.

Rhen: Well, I changed my mind when I found out that corn flakes exist. I decided that if the universe has turned upside-down like that, I might as well change my mind about country music.

Lars: Ooh ooh the universe is upside down? Yay yay the universe is upside down woo-hoo!

Talia: Why does that make you feel happy, Tenobor?

Lars: 'Cuz that means I can stand on the ceiling which makes me really happy YAY!!!

Lars jumps up in the air, spins upside down, and flies up and lands on a cloud.

Talia: Wait, how did he do that? And how is he standing on a cloud? A cloud is a visible mass of water droplets or frozen ice crystals suspended in the Earth's atmosphere above the surface of the Earth or other planetary body. Clouds in the Earth's atmosphere are studied in the nephology or cloud physics branch of meteorology. Two processes, possibly acting together, can lead to air becoming saturated: cooling the air or adding water vapor to the air. Generally, precipitation will fall to the surface; an exception is virga which evaporates before reaching the surface. Clouds can show convective development like cumulus, be in the form of layered sheets such as stratus, or appear in thin fibrous wisps as with cirrus. Prefixes are used in connection with clouds: strato for low cumulus-category clouds that show some stratiform characteristics, nimbo for low to middle stratiform clouds that can produce moderate to heavy precipitation, alto for middle clouds, and cirro for high clouds. Whether or not a cloud is low, middle, or high level depends on how far above the ground its base forms. Some cloud types, especially those with significant vertical extent, can form in the low or middle ranges depending on the moisture content of the air. Clouds have Latin names due to the popular adaptation of Luke Howard's cloud categorization system, which began to spread in popularity during December 1802. Synoptic surface weather observations use code numbers for the types of tropospheric cloud visible at each scheduled observation time based on the height and physical appearance of the clouds. While a majority of clouds form in the Earth's troposphere, there are occasions where clouds in the stratosphere and mesosphere are observed. Clouds have been observed on other planets and moons within the Solar System, but due to their different temperature characteristics, they are composed of other substances such as methane, ammonia, or sulfuric acid. You can't stand on one.

Rhen: How did you know that?

Talia: I copied it from the Wikipedia page. Now, lt's go to Aveyond.

The three walk north, then south. They go into the Snow Queen(SQ)'s palace.

SQ: Vizz-it-orrz? Do you vant some schneetzel?

Rhen: No, but do you have any corn flakes? I skipped breakfast.

SQ: Hah hah! Dee-er, cor-un flakes are just the meeths. They do-uh not exist.

Talia lifts a box of corn flakes.

SQ: You mean dey really exeest? Here's a key to Eendra's cay-uvs, den.

SQ gives them a key and vanishes.

Rhen: Can we actually go to Aveyond, now?

Lars: Ooh ooh yeah I wanna go to--

Rhen puts a tennis ball in Lars's mouth.

Talia: Well, we can't save that dwarf miner, it's probably too late, since we ignored him, so--let's go!

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Chapter 15: Widdle-Biddy Kitty Cats, Small Feline Housepets, Undergrown Tigers


Rhen, Lars, and Talia walk into Aveyond.



Lars: Yay, we're here, woo-hoo, we're--

Rhen: Lars, for once in your life, be quiet without words being violently disabled.

Lars: Okay!

Lars literally zips his lips closed.

Rhen: Wow, that was easy...

Bee: Hello, greetings, hi, humans, biologically alive humanoids, people! Are you here, this place, within a small radius, to see, view, behold, meet the Oracle, prophetess, seer, fortuneteller and the binis, magical talking cats?

Rhen: The former, though we'll see the binis too.

Bee: They're to the east, opposite of west, right of north, that way. Or, however, otherwise, you could go north, the compass pointer direction, the opposite of south, towards our northern magnetic pole, and see the harpy, woman-headed bird, creature of Greek myth.

Rhen: Okay, thanks.

The three walk east to teacup town.

Talia: Aww, dose kitties are so iddy-biddy-widdle coot.

Bini: Hewwo, hoomans. We aw so coot, awn't we?

The bini turns into a giant demonic monster.

Bini: AREN'T WE?!?!?!

Talia: Whoa! You were...

The bini shrinks again.

Bini: Tank woo, hooman!

The three go north to the harpy.

Harpy: Hah, haw, ha, hee, hoo! I am the mother, matron, birthgiver, maternal parent, of all, every, each and every bee, wasplike creature, stinging insect!

Rhen: Die, go to the underworld, lose all life, become lifeless!

Rhen attacks the harpy.

Harpy: Ow, eeyow, yow, eeyowich, the pain! You'll pay, spend, feel pain, be punished for that!

The harpy beats up, knocks out, physically causes pain to Rhen.

Talia: Hey! I'm supposed to be protecting her!

Talia fries the Harpy.

Bee: Yay, woo-hoo, yippee, yahoo, all right! You destroyed, annhilated, blasted, decimated, wiped out our evil, bad, in-the-wrong queen, female ruler, empress, non-male controller!

Other Bee: Let's have a celebration, party, festival, fiesta, fair, collection of festivities with them, those people, the ones who did that as the guests, partygoers, visitors of honor, respect, glory!

Third Bee: Yeah, yes, yup, uh-huh, si, oui, ja, da, ya, yah-yah!

Bee #4: It'll be such, so much, a lot of, plenty of fun, enjoyment, festivities, happiness!

The bees set up a party.

Bee #5: I propose, suggest, come up with the idea of a toast to our saviors, people who heplped us, helpers!

Bees: Yeah, yes, yup, uh-huh, si, oui, ja, da, ya, yah-yah!

Rhen: Thanks, but we've got to go.

The three go to the Sun Temple and walk in.

Oracle: TALIA!!

Talia: Uh oh...

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Chapter 16: Meet the Oracle


Oracle: Yay yay I get to see Talia again, woo-hoo!

Rhen: Er... At the end of Chapter 15, you sounded angry. Were you?

Oracle: Synonymous soaring stingers, girl! Of course not!

Rhen: Then why did you yell 'TALIA'?

Oracle: Yo, dudette, I was just, like, excited to see my peep again!

Rhen: Oh.

Oracle: Anyway, anyhow, whatever, how have you been, Talia, Dreamer, Dream Druid, Priestess, Laaaaadyyyyyyy?

Talia: Fine, mother.

Rhen: Mother? Talia, your mother is the Oracle?

Oracle: Like, of, like course, like, chosen, like one! Like, I'm, like, the like, mother of like, all, like, things, as, like, the like, goddess!

Rhen: Oh. Well, why do you talk like everyone in this Parody?

Oracle: Eeek! People! I just told you, girl. Wait, girl? I'm afraid of girls! And words! And everything! AAAAAAH!!!

Lars: Ooh ooh you talk like everyone because you're everyone's mother? Yay that makes me happy!

Oracle: Exactly, Lars. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Lars: Yay yay Auntie Gevolda's my mother YAY!!!

Rhen: Zip it!

Talia: That was last chapter, Rhen. Anyway, aren't you supposed to tell us about our quest, Mother?

Oracle: Well, shee-ore, Tuh-leeuh!

Rhen: Lemme guess; you're being the chickens?

Oracle: No, maiden. I, the greatly chivalrous and impossibly valorous Oracle was impersonating the great, majestic Druid known as Armaiti, Druid of Agriculture and father of all chickens.

Rhen: Uh...

Oracle: NEwA, U R suppOsed 2 fInd all thE Drewids Nd brNg thM hEre. ThN thA cN OpN thE dOr 2 thE SwOrd F ChadOs. [Anyway, you're supposed to find all the Druids and bring them here. Then they can open the door to the Sword of Shadows.]

Rhen: What's the Sword of Shadows?

Oracle: It's the most powerful of all the Swords of Power. It traps demons, and you can use it against Ahriman.

Rhen: Cool!

Oracle: Now, then...

The Oracle falls asleep.

Talia: Mother!

The Oracle wakes up abruptly.

Oracle: The cubed root of 216 is 6! I mean, you should go now; he or she who hesitates is lost, after...

The Oracle falls back to sleep.

Talia sighs.

Talia: Let's go.

The three leave the Sun Temple.

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Chapter 17: Bad Mushrooms


Bee: Ah, oh, aha, well, apparently, you are done, finished, complete in the sun, lifegiving ball of burning elements, source of heat and light temple, shrine, holy building, place of worship.

Rhen: Yup. And now we've gotta go get beeswax.

Bee: Why, how come, because of what?

Rhen: Lemme see...the script says...blah blah, need to do a good deed before graduation...blah blah, defeat the hind, blah blah blah...Ah, here it is! We can't defeat the hind unless we plug our ears with beeswax.

Lars: Ooh ooh we get to--

Rhen: Is it physically possible for you to start a sentnce with anything but those five words?

Lars: Yeah!

Rhen: Prove it.

Lars: Oooooooh I wanna go get beeswax yay, beeswax!

Rhen: I stand corrected. Let's go.

The three walk into a cave.

Rhen: Aaah! Magic Mushroom! Kill it! *siren call*

Lars: Lemme help lemme help! *thunderstorm*

Talia: Ow!

Rhen: Ouch! Lars, you missed!

Lars nods enthusiastically.

Lars: I love missing my target I do I do!

Rhen: Grrr...

Rhen begins to raise her sleeves aggressively.

Magic Mushroom: :evil: *charm*

Rhen: :sleep: *snore*

Talia: Hey, she's asleep! Woo-h--

Magic Mushroom: :evil: *fireball*

Talia: :PHah! You can't hurt me! I'm not actually a member of the party! *lightning* *fireball* *explosion*

Magic: Yoo cannawt hert mee, aithur, Preestiss Taleeuh, phoure thuh saym reezun!

Talia *to C4AT*: That was the best you could think of? Magic Mushrooms spell everything wrong?

C4AT shrugs.

C4AT: I've gotta come up with something.

Talia sighs and returns to the parody.

Talia: Lars, whack it with your staff.

Lars: YAY! I get to whack something with my staff, yippee!

Lars whacks the mushroom with his staff. It dies.

Magic Mushroom: Wie dydd yoo hitt enn ourdynnairee muhshrume instedd uv mee?

Lars grins.

Lars: I love to hit the wrong target I do I do!!

Talia rolls her eyes and walks away. Lars hits everything but the Magic Mushroom with his staff.

Rhen: *snore*

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If you mean Lorad, MR, etc., I used German on MR and different languages with everyone else. I got tired of using Google Translator, tho, and just put the translation. I did it so they would stand out. If you mean the Magic Mushroom, it just misspells everything, it's not speaking a foreign language.

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Chapter 18: None of Your Beeswax!


Rhen, Lars, and Talia walk out of the cave.

Rhen: Oh no, more bees!

Bee: Hey, aha, whattaya know, wow, it's some, a few, a couple, a small amount of humans, biologically powered humanoids, intelligent descendants of the apes!


Rhen picks up Lars and Talia, grabs a cutlass out of a chest, and runs into a cave.

Magic Mushroom: Hye, hyoomuns.

Talia: Hi, Magic Mushroom.

Magic Mushroom: Ackchooullee, Yme ay Majick Muhshrume.

Talia shrugs.

Talia: Close enough.

Magic Mushroom: Oe ya, Yme enn ennimmy, arnt Y?

Talia: I suppose so.

Magic Mushroom: :evil: *charm, fireball, charm*

Lars: Yay yay yay I'm falling asleep and getting damaged and falling aslee--

Lars falls asleep.

Lars: *snore*

Rhen: Hmmm... Thanks, Mushroom, but I'm afraid you're an enemy, so I'll have to kill you anyway.

Rhen kills the mushroom with her cutlass and walks up to a beehive.

Rhen throws a smokebomb on the hive and steals the beeswax.

Rhen: Okay, let's go talk to the fairies now!

They walk down some stairs.

Toad: ?ytrap eht uoy t'nera ,yaS

Rhen: Yes. Why?

Toad: !!!EID

The toad attacks Rhen.

Rhen: Hey! *attack*

Toad: *seid* !wO

Rhen: There, I killed the backwards-talker.

Talia: Let's go see the fairies!

They continue walking until they get to a colony of fairies.

Fairy: The bridge to Vata's shrine is over there. You need a Dreamer's Tear to activate it. *heal* Now go away!

Rhen: That was an odd fairy.

Talia: Nah, they're all like that. I know, I kicked 'em out of the Dreamworld 57 years ago.

Rhen: Umm...Talia? You're only 46. You beame Dreamer 10 years ago.

Talia: Oh yeah... Anyway, we'd beter get back to the Eastern isle.

The three leave Aveyond.

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Chapter 19: ThEf! [Thief!]



I can’t stand to fly

I’m not that naive

I’m just out to find

The better part of me


I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

It’s not easy to be me

Rhen: Are you the Five for Fighting Wolf, then?

Snow Wolf: Yes!

Even heroes have

A right to dream...

Rhen: Well, get out of the way.

Rhen beats up the Five for Fighting Wolf before it can comply and leads Lars and Talia to the boat.

Talia: Hey, where's the boat?

Rhen pulls a telescope out of nowhere and looks through it.

Rhen: Hey! The owner of the boat stole it! Talia, give me your bow!

Talia: I don't have a--

Rhen grabs Talia's bow, nocks, draws, and fires.

The arrow stabs the rudder. The boat runs into a mountain and sinks, the boatman barely making out alive.

Rhen: Darn, I meant to hit him.

Talia: Rhen, that's illegal!

Rhen: So is stealing money to buy a Ferrari.

Talia: I told you, I didn't steal money!



The car dealer wriggles out of his bonds.

Car Dealer: Finally, I can report that Ferrari-stealing Druid.

The car dealer runs towards the authorities.


On the Eastern Isle...

Rhen: I hate swimming!

Lars: I don't I love it I do 'cuz I love everything but swimming especially!

Rhen: My fist is tired again; Talia?

Talia shakes her head.

Rhen: Dang.

The three of them walk onto a cliff.

Random Lady(RL): HellO, nRtherNRs. How R U? [Hello, Northerners. How are you?]

Rhen: Aaah! Random lady!

Rhen shoves RL off the cliff.

Talia: Rhen, she's supposed to join the party later!

Rhen: Ooohh...

The player loads a save.

A car dealer runs by the party.

Talia: Uh oh.

Rhen: Who was--

Talia: Come on, we've gotta stop him!

Talia drags Rhen and Lars into the Wildwood Forest.

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Guest merrytess

The finale here is not necessarily shocking in terms of plot, Weeds DVD but shocking for what Nancy does emotionally, when you see it, you will never think she had it in her. Season Six of Weeds is decidedly different in almost every aspect, Desperate Housewives DVD but it also brings all of the shows past seasons into a greater light. Since we finally get to really see what is going on under the surface with Nancy, Andy, Silas, Shane and yes, even Doug, we begin to understand their past (before the show started), Curb Your Enthusiasm DVD their actions during the series and then how they react during Season Six. With the writing in such top form, the acting is even better. Hunter Parrish as Silas gives a haunting, The L Word DVD aching performance showing how he is really questioning his role in the family and what he truly wants in life. Alexander Gould as Shane is as dark as can be, but we also get to see beyond that facade and into the soul of a tortured young boy. Kevin Nealon as Doug is not exactly needed but adds some nice comedic touches and the send off (for now at least) of his character is rather poignant. Season Six also has a fantastic array of guest stars including Linda Hamilton, The Good Wife DVD Mark-Paul Gosselaar, a very memorable and funny Richard Dreyfuss and a slew of returning cast members from previous seasons.

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"Rhen: Aaah! Random lady!

Rhen shoves RL off the cliff.

Talia: Rhen, she's supposed to join the party later!

Rhen: Ooohh...

The player loads a save." Lol! that seemed the best part to me.

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Well, the car dealer just ran into the Wildwoods. Devin is in the Wildwoods. Devin changed his name to John Maloney. John Maloney is a good cop name. It's illegal to arrest a Druid, so they're held in the Sun Temple instead. In-game, Devin takes Talia to the Sun Temple. I'm guessing that most people reading this can put two and two and two and two and two and two together.

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Chapter 20: What's 911's number?


Talia: Come on, we've gotta catch that guy!

Rhen: Why?

Talia: I...uh... He owes me money...?

Lars: Ooh ooh we get to get money from a car dealer yay!

Rhen: *sigh* I hate you, Lars.

Lars: Yay, someone hates me, YIPPEE!

Rhen: Well, how much does he owe you? It's gotta be a lot, since it's so urgent to catch him.

Talia: Ummm... 12 million GP?

Rhen raises an eyebrow.

Talia: He...uh...wanted to buy some expensive cars...

Rhen shrugs.

Rhen: Works for me.

Lars: Hey the car dealer he ran into a TAVERN! Can we go into a tavern can we huh?

Talia pulls Lars and Rhen into the tavern.

Innkeeper: Cn hlp y, ldy wh 'v bn pd wll t nt tll y wh's hdng ndr th br? [Can I help you, lady who I've been paid well to not tell you who's hiding under the bar?]

Random Guy Who Buys Vampire Corpses (RGWBVC): ea, a e e ou? [Yeah, can we help you?]

Talia: Yeah, I'd like 7 tons of whiskey, 2 tons of ale, 18 tons of sake, 39 tons of whiskey, 12 tons of booze, 4 ½ tons of gin, and a room for the night

Rhen: We can't afford that ‘til the car dealer pays you! Just give her a bottle of Gatorade and a room.

Talia: Rhen, we can't even afford a bottle of Gatorade.

Rhen: Okay, we'll take a room with extra cheese.

Innkeeper: ky, tht'll b 70 GP. [Okay, that'll be 70 GP.]

RGWBVC: ea, a e 70 . [Yeah, that'll be 70 GP]

Rhen: We'll give you 30 GP.

Innkeeper: Tht wrks.

RGWBVC: ea, a o.

Rhen gives the Innkeeper and RGWBVC 30 GP and walks into their room.

Talia: Hey, there's only one bed!

Rhen: That's okay, one of us can sleep and we'll all get rest.

Rhen climbs into bed and goes to sleep.

Rhen's and Lars's HP and MP are restored!

Lars: Yay, my HP and MP were restored, woo-hoo!

Rhen: *sigh*

They leave their room and see the car dealer checking out.

Talia: Hey, you!

Car Dealer: Uh oh...

The car dealer runs outside, chased by Talia. Talia shoots arrow after arrow after arrow after arrow after arrow after arrow after arrow after arrow at him, but constantly misses.

Rhen: Don't you ever run out of arrows?

Talia: Of course not! This is an RPG! Well, technically it's a FanFic, but it's a parody of an RPG...

Rhen: Well, if he owes you money, why are you trying to shoot him?

Talia: Umm... My arrows don't kill, they just slow down?

Rhen: Oh, okay.

Lars: Yay, slowdown arrows, woo--

Talia shoots Lars's mouth with a plunger.

Talia: Best shot of the day. Let's go!

Talia and Rhen drag Lars south after the car dealer.

Crow: Hey hey hey, what the rush, what's the rush, what's the rush?

Rhen: We're trying to catch a car dealer who owes Talia money.

Crow: Oh, oh, oh. How much, how much, how much?

Rhen: Wait a minute... You're an enemy! DIE!

Rhen kills the crow with the Ghalarah guard's axe and grins.

Rhen: Yay for stolen axes!

Talia: Come on, he's getting away!

Talia, Lars, and Rhen chase the car dealer into a hermit's cottage.

Talia: Hey, Devin, it's you!

Hermit: I changed my name to John Maloney when Ahriman destroyed Thais, Talia!

Talia: Oh.

Car Dealer: That's her! That's the priestess who stole a 30 thousand dollar Ferrari!

Talia: Uh oh.

John Maloney(JM): So, you're a thief, huh? Well, it's illegal to arrest a Druid, so instead, I'm putting you under house arrest!

Talia: I don't have a house.

JM: Then I guess you'll have to stay at the Sun Temple--with Mistress Gevolda!


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Chapter 21: La la la!


Crow: Hello, hello, hello, party members, party members, party members! If, if, if, you, you, you, want to, want to, want to be, be, be turned to stone, turned to stone, turned to stone, you'll, you'll, you'll have to, have to, have to schedule an appointment, schedule an appointment, schedule an appointment!

Rhen: [insert Battle Cry Here]

Rhen strikes at the crow receptionist with the Ghalarah guard's axe.

Lars: Yay, woo-hoo, we stopped the bad guy, YAY!

Rhen weighs her guard axe, guard sword, and cutlass against each other, trying to decide which to use.

Talia: Rhen...

Rhen: *sigh* Dang it, why does Lars have to be so useful? That means I can't hurt him!

Lars: Yay, yay, I'm usef--

Rhen smacks Lars on the knees with the flat of her guard sword.

Lars: Yay...I'm in...extreme pain...

Lars falls on his face, the pain blcking him out.

Rhen and Talia drag him into the hind's cave.

Hind: Baybeh, baybeh, PLEEZ!

Rhen: That hypnotically hypnotic song is hypnotically hypnotizing me hypnotically!

Talia: Let's use the wax!

Rhen: Great idea!

Rhen concentrates...

Giant globs of earwax appear in Rhen's ears.

Talia: Rhen, that's disgusting. I meant the beeswax.

Rhen: WHAAAT?!

Talia sighs and puts the beeswax in her ears.

Rhen walks up to the hind.

Rhen: Hey, why are you male and ugly? I thought you were supposed to be so beautiful, people who see you turn to stone.

Hind: You interrpted my AWESOME song for that? I am beautiful! Here!

The hind puts his face in Rhen's.

Rhen: Aaaah! The ugliness! It's turning me to STONE!

Talia puts the mirror Rhen stole in front of the hind.

Hind: Aaaah! I really am ugly! How can this be?!

The hind runs away screaming, dropping his electric guitar.

Rhen picks up the electric guitar.

Rhen: Hey, this is proof we defeated the hind! Now we can graduate! Plus, I can learn to play it.

Rhen makes a loud twanging sound on the guitar.

Rhen: Hmm... I need practice, I guess.

Talia: WHAT?!

Rhen inspects Talia's ear.

Rhen: No beeswax? Odd...

Lars: Yay! Ike dead Anne I shant dear mutt life frayig! [Yay! I'm deaf and I can't hear what I'm saying!]

Rhen: Let's go graduate!




Sorry, I forgot Talia wasn't there. I'll remove her from later chapters.

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