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Intrigue in Somerset

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This story was what I made for Nanowrimo. I couldn't win but I've go a story with a plot, an end and more than a few chapters completely ready. So here's chapter 1. It's also related to the game I'm making

 

Chapter 1: Meeting friends

 

It was Mary’s habit to look out of the window early in the morning. Nature, of all things she adored. She always felt a connection to nature, a connection which she never felt with anything else. Today, she was incredibly excited. Today she would finally be able to leave the city for the first time and go out on her own. What Mary really wanted to practice was her magic. She was an incredibly gifted magician. Today, she would go on the tour of the county with her cousin. Since the war had now ended, they could wander the county freely.

 

Mary resumed her packing. There would be many towns out in the county. Along with the food in the forests, there would be no need to take any food. She hoped her cousin, Franz, was good enough with the sword to do some hunting. After packing a portable oil stove and some oil, she took one last glance around the room, picked up the Jane Austen novel, Pride and Prejudice, which she had intended to read for some time.

 

Rushing downstairs, Mary saw her father, Mr. Ratendale. She went up to him and gave him a quick hug then went to her mom in the kitchen. She expected this goodbye to be noisier than the last one and was not disappointed at all. Her mom cried and cried, hugged her and kissed her, then blessed her and prayed to God to protect her all the time saying, “She’s grown up so fast.”

 

When this outburst of emotion finally ended, Mary ran out the door towards Central Park where she was to meet her cousin. Franz was not the type of person that she’d have liked to go with but it was between going with Franz or not going at all. After all, her parents would never trust any other boy to go with her besides her cousin.

 

When Mary reached the park, she saw to her surprise that Franz’s best friend was also there. Rachael had been a close friend of both Mary’s and her cousin’s. She went over and greeted both of them. The she continued, “Ready to go?” Franz nodded and stooped over to take her bag. Usually, she wouldn’t let him feel superior and let him carry the bag but she decided to relent and give him the bag and save herself the trouble. It reminded her how sexist her cousin was, he thought that women were incapable of physical exertion. Reminding herself, that she had to spend two months with him, she decided to change him. After all, if there was one thing all women were good at, it was tricking men. Besides, it would give her a legitimate reason to bully Franz.

And so the merry bunch set out towards their destination. As Bilbo Baggins once said:

 

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

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Please comment guys

 

 

Chapter 2: The Journey begins

 

As they wandered around the town, Mary realised that a lot of women were staring at her cousin. She had never noticed it before but then again she’d been trying to escape his company within five minutes of meeting him. Her cousin was tall, handsome and fair, a combination that Mary realised that a lot of ladies died for. Not that she cared. After all, she knew the true personality of her cousin. Any woman he was with had chances of happiness equal to zilch.

 

Even then, she could not help but laugh at anyone who adored her cousin. She wondered how a woman could fall in love with someone’s face instead of their mind. It was ludicrous. It was at times like these that Mary thought that the human race was indeed the dumbest race on the planet. To fall in love this easily and to believe that love to be long lasting had to be the best example of willful self-deception in the entire world. After all, what rational person would agree that one could fall in love, a feeling in itself so undefined that one could not even know whether or not her was in love, at first sight was beyond Mary. With such philosophical thoughts in her minds, she continued towards the gates.

 

As they had never been out of the city, all three of them were unaware of the new toll tax imposed by Duke Justin. The guard ran forward as they were about to leave the city, “One moment, please. There’s this new toll tax …” Franz interrupted the guard and said, “What tax?”

 

The guard sighed and looked at us as if we were ignorant fools and said, “Don’t you know that the war has placed Somerset in a grave economic crisis.”

 

“The War has been extremely cumbersome for the government. Trade was disrupted and a huge amount of expenditure was incurred. These new taxes will help the government gather enough fund to be able to run the county more expeditiously.”

 

Mary, being a lot more clear- sighted than most promptly interrupted with, “So the weight of the debt incurred because of a war started by our leader is to be transferred to the people who never said that there should be a war?” The guard looked appalled by this mode of address and did not reply.

 

 

Franz, not wanting any trouble, paid the tax and led the group outside towards the forest.

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Please comment on any error you find or any criticism you want to give

 

 

Chapter 3: The Bandits in the Woods.

 

Mary breathed in the fresh forest air and remembered her camping trips in the small clearing in the city. She chuckled that she had only been gone two hours and was already homesick. The thought cheered her immensely for some unknown reason. Soon though, they were tired and decided to rest.

 

Suddenly, there was a sudden rustling of leaves behind Mary. That noise, it could only be one thing, bandits. They must have circled the area expecting to pillage three teens out on a journey. “Were they going to get the surprise of their life,” thought Mary.

 

Suddenly, a man in leather armor came out of the bushes and raised his sword and said, “Give me your stuff or die.” Mary laughed and then decided to cast her favourite, albeit the only spell she had mastered, she screamed, “Lightening Blast.” The bandit was knocked back, dead. Suddenly, there was a hail of arrows. Mary had not expected archers. She was struck on the arm. Rachael suddenly started crying and held her heart and said, “I wish I could help.” Suddenly, there was light all around her as she started casting a spell. A spell which Mary could tell she had never cast before. She was sure that Rachael had no idea that she had magic before now. After all, why would she hide it? A barrier emerged from Rachael and this separated the bandits and our heroes.

 

Mary looked at Franz and they both nodded and rushed at the bandits. Mary stayed inside the barrier and cast spells at the trees which hid the bandits. Many fell. Franz was an agile swordsman. He ran outside the barrier, dodged the arrows and jumped at the trees and hacked the bandit’s head off. When he had done this to a few people, the rest of them ran off screaming. Mary ran towards Rachael. She knew that using magic for the first time always was painful and affected one’s health adversely. And to use it so long must have been excruciatingly painful for a first time caster. She remembered hearing that healing mages, which must be what Rachael was, used up the most amount of mana and used it up rather quickly. She rushed over and asked Rachael to eat some chocolate. She grudgingly accepted. Other than the slight paleness, she seemed to be all right, but that meant nothing. She could still be in shock or may not be revealing her pain. “You must feel a lot of pain,” Mary said, “at the moment. It will pass soon but you must eat a lot and replenish your energy. That barrier must have taken a lot out of you.” Rachael nodded and they decided to have dinner. Franz went and brought them a dear which was cooked by Mary. Meat haunches were here favourite dish. Eating deer haunches, however, was a new experience but at the end of the meal, Mary could safely say that the meat of a deer would never catch on among the rich.

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About the grammar and spelling... i sux at that... so I can’t actually criticize it. But I am good at criticizing plots.

 

The story is small, which is good in a way, short chapters makes it easier to read, on the other side, smaller chapters mean less in depth story, less description and on. I think this story is somehow lacking on descriptions and in depth development.

 

Means, idk how the characters look like, I don’t know how they think? Mary looks smart, she also sounds egocentric. What about Rachel? I wouldn’t like in the story be known simply as Franz friend who can do magic and gets tired from it. I don’t know why they went on a journey is this some short of ritual? Or is I just something they do every month cause they are bored? Idk what world they live on, is it normal earth? Magical Earth? What war is this? Is it going to be explained at any moment? Idk if it’s normal for them to have powers or not, are they the only one or does everyone in Somerset has powers, or is a Buffy the vampire slayer kind of thing?

 

One advice, imagine yourself in that situation, usually helps on knowing how a character would react. If suddenly my powerless friend poofed out a barrier magically, I would bombard him with questions: “Where you learnt that? Or better yet, how do I do that?”

 

I am not trolling or trying to be mean, I just think you’re going somewhere with this plot, just needs a little more depth into it. Hope I may be helpful, and I’m not trying to be hater, just trying to help. Anyway, I would like to read more.

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I was waiting for that, in fact, I'm glad you brought up one thing I wanted to notice and another that I didn't know and will improve.

As for Rachael you find her character, appearance soon

 

 

Chapter four: The Capital

 

Mary was walking along with Rachael and Franz when she spotted a few tall buildings in the distance. They had been wandering north towards the capital but neither of them had expected to see the capital so soon. They had been walking quickly after the encounter with the bandits. Shocked but happy, they marched on towards the city gates, oblivious of the danger they would encounter. Mary entered the city and looked around the shops. Never before had she been so glad of being in the marketplace. After all, she hated shopping. But now she was wondering whether she should go shop and buy some clothes. After all the bandits, they had fought had gathered a lot of money. After beating them, they couldn’t just leave the coins around, now could they? Convincing Franz had been easier than she had thought. After all, he was so stuck up about dignity that he would consider it stealing. Mary felt that stealing from thieves was not stealing.

 

With the money they had, they decided to go straight to the inn. But where could the inn be? Splitting up, all three of them decided to ask people where the inn was. They soon got the directions they needed and reached the inn. Mary looked at Franz and saw his sweating face and bulging muscles and for a second was immensely attracted to him but the feeling passed quickly and was in a few seconds was fully banished. Mary questioned herself and her sense for even thinking him as attractive in the first place. It was wrong, he was her cousin. Besides, he was a sexist male chauvinist pig. How could she stoop so low to like him for even a milli-second. Besides he was her cousin.

 

Franz suddenly tapped her shoulder and said, “Why don’t we all explore the city separately?” It was a great idea and they soon agreed. It was more dangerous than they thought.

 

 

In the Duke’s court, an emergency had been declared and the doors were shut. “What has happened?” asked the duke. His noble manservant replied, “Sire, two people of extraordinary magical ability have entered the city. With them is another mage who is powerful but not at their level but she seems to be the most in control of her mana since it is not leaking everywhere. If we recruit them….”

 

The Duke looked at him and said, “Very well, it shall be done. Capture them if and when they separate but not when they are together. And make sure not to be caught by surprise. Take 10-12 men for this task. Do not fail me.”

 

The nobleman bowed low and said, “It shall be as you have commanded.”

 

 

Mary wandered around the city, breathing in the fresh smell of spices. This is the life, thought Mary. Then, she saw a man beckoning her to come towards him. Thinking that she could defend herself against anything, she entered the alley and then suddenly, there was darkness.

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This may just be me, as even though I've probably read more than my weight In books I still don't really know what is too much or little detail, but, well, I don't think there is enough detail, as I probably just stated before. You could do a better job of describing the scenery, people, Actions, ECT. But other than that you did a good job. And, though this is more than a little hypocritical, text walls.

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The story still needs more depth. Okay, so magic seems to be something normal around, but apparently those three are special.

 

You need to describe more what's going on. Regardless, I'm liking where this is going.

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Back again after a long break because the computer I had this backed up on broke down. The guy I called to fix it said it would destroy the memory of the harddisk. But I managed to fix it myself xD

Just a little problem with the motherboard's graphic board which wasn't letting it display anything as output

 

And all your points are noted and appreciated

Also, they're unique in that Dattie knows offensive magic. However, unbeknownst to her, this magic contains the Elements of the Gods. Kitkat is very rare since she knows shielding and healing along with a very useful [d]plot device[/d], I mean spell

And here's where the story starts for real

 

Chapter 5

 

Chapter 5: Trapped

 

Mary opened her eyes. She seemed to be in a prison. She could not move her feet as she was tied up. If there could be a worse situation in the world, Mary could not think of it. There was movement outside and the gates opened. She was unceremoniously dragged outside. As the doors of the dungeon opened, it was almost like she had been taken to another world. The carpets were made of silk and were soft to the touch. Being dragged across them was more comfortable than rolling over in bed, it was that comfortable. However, it did not relieve the tension. In an instant, the ropes were removed and she found herself before the throne next to Franz and Rachael. The duke was in front of her. He looked calm and composed and even had a smirk on his dark face. Surveying his prisoners, he said, “I do apologise for bringing you here like this but it is a matter of utmost importance. Only you three are qualified enough for the job in hand.”

 

Hours bound in a prison made even Franz mad enough to scream, “You have thousands of guards. For what conceivable reason could you delude yourself into thinking only we can help you?”

 

The duke looked shocked at such blatant rudeness but replied gracefully, “It is a job which would disgrace me publically if my guards were caught. Seeing the trio ready to retort, he said, “If you

listen through, you will realise why it is of utmost importance to the kingdom.” The trio looked at the duke and much to his relief nodded.

 

“Let me begin. As you know, three years ago, I initiated the war.” “Yes,” he added seeing Mary ready to interrupt, “that it why we have these taxes and it is my fault. However, I believe you shall forgive me when you hear my reasons for the war. You see Duke Abel has been collecting a number of powerful mages for some time now. It made me suspicious and my intelligence confirmed that the mages were preparing a dark spell called Incultum Refacto. Three years ago, they completed it. As soon as I received this knowledge, I attacked killing all the mages but one before they could complete the ritual. However, Duke Abel still has the necessary scroll and knowing how weak my army is, he could use the spell.”

 

Mary knew what the spell was. It was the most famous spell, yet no one had ever figured out the incomplete ritual. To think that such a thing could have been kept secret was mind boggling. She said, “But isn’t this the spell that opens the demon portal.”

 

The Duke nodded and said, “Indeed, the demon portal has been opened. But, because we stopped the spell, only the elite demons are free. If the rest are freed, they will all obey the Duke Abel who was the controlling mage. If he opens the portal somehow, he will be in control of all the demons. We must kill that before that happens because if we are late, then not only will he be near impossible to kill with all the demons protecting him but the demons will be free, free to serve the Darkness of old.”

 

“So you see why it is so important that you help me. I need you. A small group would be best. It would be easy enough to sneak in and you’re not well known at all. That means no one will identify you. Enter the castle and assassinate the duke….”

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Chapter 6

 

 

Chapter 6: Explanation

 

“Assassinate the duke-” muttered the trio in complete shock. “But surely that’s impossible. Not to mention that we’d be jailed or worse.”

 

“It is within,” continued the duke, “your abilities. I know what happened in your fight against the bandits a few miles outside of town. All three of you are skilled either in the arts of magic or of swordplay. You can gain much better training in Duke Abel’s half of Somerset. With the hardships you’ll face and the teachers you will meet, I have no doubt you can succeed.”

 

“It’s not about whether we can succeed but about why we’d do it for you at all. All these toll taxes,” said Mary, “do not make me happy.”

 

Franz looked bewildered and said, “What do you mean? He is the duke and we should obey him.”

 

Mary smiled. Her cousin was such an idiot sometimes. Oh wait, he always was. She replied, “And that means we should blindly obey him and go kill another duke!”

 

The duke had never met anyone who had questioned his judgment before. He said,” The kingdom is in danger like I said. The demons of Guze mean anything to you. The world would be engulfed in darkness.”

 

Mary laughed, “You know, I’d survive a disaster like that with my powers. I don’t trust you. Even though I’m well off financially, I’d like money in advance to prove that you’re not just sacrificing us.”

 

The duke said, “Deal!”

 

Mary and her friends nodded. Rachael who had been awfully quite up till then asked the important question, “How do we get there?”

 

The duke laughed and said, “I’ll explain that over dinner.”

 

Incredulous, Mary found her voice and said, “We will eat here?”

 

The duke used to this laughed once more, something that was starting to annoy Mary and said, ”Of course. It would be rude otherwise.”

 

So it was that the trio would have lunch with the Duke of Somerset.

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