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RP: Aveyond: The Sword of Shadows

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It was a rainy day when I left the City of Sedona at the penninsula. But I ust tell you all first why I left. I was actually a noble who lived in Master Pemberlin's Manor( I bought it from his great grandson). I was just a sword singer. Until I saw how the great city fell. I saw thieves and assasins invade the city. They dethroned the king and was captured. I barely made it out of the city but Serendipity, the nymph of luck gave me a hand and brought me to another place, by the name of Stardale Glen. When I woke up, I asked her "Where is my love? Please TELL ME WHERE????!" She just gave me a Golden Mirror and I saw her in a Jail Cell. I ran but I collapsed... the nymph saw me in tears...

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Erm...

 

You could improve your story, y'know. Like, adding more details, improving your totally crappy style. Also capitalize, separate into groups. Also you write nonsense. "They dethroned the king and was captured." Err, yeah? Also you don't have any style, "She just gave me a Golden Mirror and I saw her in a Jail Cell." Yeah, how romantic.

 

I won't do like people, I'm talling what I think - your style is crap.

 

Now for the good side, you have potential to make your story, if you can expend this chapter first. Because it can turn out to be interesting. :)

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Well, I think that was a little rude, Aveyond06. You can't blame someone for trying. I made an RP that failed, but it was because I was new at it. It wasn't because it was crappy. I just didn't have enough experience. Now that I know a little more about RPs, I have some more confidence. But, I don't call a story crappy unless the person who made it is a professional. A newbie might not know how to make a good story, and would like nicer comments on how to make it better. I think it's a good cliffhanger, personally. I like cliffhangers. :D

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I forgot to introduce myself. I am Lundgrom Aidenari. I came from a family, torn apart by 14 years of feuds, secret killings wherein my father was included. It was too much. So I stole their savings, and went to the grandest city in the world. I stayed there working for a king, a greedy, selfish, stupid king who never listens to anyone, even the Oracle, his counselors, his generals and even to his family. As a soldier who wields a glass sword, ready to break when no one ever knows, wanted to finish him off. I was about to but I thought of the consequences. I finally decided not to. Because of that decision, I was able to love that special girl. We loved each other and planned to escape her cruel parents and elope somewhere else, but I cannot leave because I am a soldier in service of the king. So she went to Shaenlir first. I resigned as a soldier and was ready to leave...until... a storm came. The old woman standing beside me screamed and went to the castle. Then I saw a huge piece of boulder flying out from nowhere and hitted a building. I ran away with everything important to me. Three knives hit me at my back and my sword mad a scar on my leg when I ran away. Blood of mine was flowing through my legs and my back. My hands became numb.

 

Lundgrom was lying on the grass hurt until Serendipity, the nymph of luck brought him to her Glen. When Lundgrom found out that his love was in Sedona Jail, he only wanted one thing in his life from that day; hate and revenge, (which was the reason why he became "Dark Lundgrom")By the time Serendipity saw him, she blew sleep powder on Lundgrom and brought him to Aveyond.

 

Meanwhile, in Sedona Castle...

 

Rogue Leader: WHAT!! Don't tell me that fool was aided!!

 

Lyzen: He was aided by...

 

Rogue Leader: By whom? SPEAK!

 

Lyzen: Serendipity.

 

Rogue Leader: The nymph of luck. Grrr... He has escaped from my clutches... AGAIN!

 

Lyzen: ...with someone else this time.

 

Rogue Leader: In that case, go to Sun Shrine in Aveyond and steal the Sword of Shadows!!!

 

Lyzen: What are you trying to do?

 

Rogue Leader: I would like to destroy the sword and become the ruler of the world! I will force history to repeat itself!! Hahahaha!

 

Lyzen: (the Millenium War, Ahriman! I must follow his orders and become powerful!)

How will I be able to steal it? The Sun Guardian Devin Pendragon guards the sword.

 

Rogue Leader: I am leaving it to you on how!

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Its okay. I was having a hard time thinking over because my cousin was disturbing me through jokes. I accept other peoples' judgments anyway. Just remember don't critizice other works IF its not yet done.

 

P.S. Thanks for the encouragement PokeGal.

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is this the same story?

 

if it is, post it in the same trhead.

 

oh, Addie's right, your story has such potential....

 

 

TOPICS MERGED~Oracle

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pokegal: if i didn't know addie, i'd say that was harsh too. but, i do know addie, so, huzzah, i can't say that that was harsh. did you read the whole comment?

 

Heimdall: as addie said, though, you may want to try to flesh out the first chapter (or, rather, the first two chapters) before you go much further. stick all of it in a word document, so you A, have the ideas when they come, and B, have it if the site goes down again (hope it won't *knocks on wood* but it's possible)

 

it does have good potential--i like the idea muchly.

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This is the continuation of the part one. I posted this one on another place so I reposted it here again. I was somehow able to edit a portion of the second part.Then again, you know what I have to say.

___________________________________________________

I forgot to introduce myself. I am Lundgrom Aidenari. I came from a family, torn apart by 14 years of feuds, secret killings wherein my father was included. It was too much. So I stole their savings, and went to the grandest city in the world. I stayed there working for a king, a greedy, selfish, stupid king who never listens to anyone, even the Oracle, his counselors, his generals and even to his family. As a soldier who wields a glass sword, ready to break when no one ever knows, wanted to finish him off. I was about to but I thought of the consequences. I finally decided not to. Because of that decision, I was able to love that special girl. We loved each other and planned to escape her cruel parents and elope somewhere else, but I cannot leave because I am a soldier in service of the king. So she went to Shaenlir first. I resigned as a soldier and was ready to leave...until... a storm came. The old woman standing beside me screamed and went to the castle. Then I saw a huge piece of boulder flying out from nowhere and hitted a building. I ran away with everything important to me. Three knives hit me at my back and my sword made a scar on my leg when I ran away. Blood of mine was flowing through my legs and my back. My hands became numb... Lundgrom was lying on the grass hurt until Serendipity, the nymph of luck brought him to her Glen. When Lundgrom found out that his love was in Sedona Jail, he only wanted one thing in his life from that day; hate and revenge, (which was the reason why he became "Dark Lundgrom") By the time Serendipity saw him, she blew sleep powder on Lundgrom and brought him to Aveyond. Serendipity felt that Lundgrom became strange and was feeling something from his mind. She soon realized that he has known his powers which came from the mind Meanwhile, in Sedona Castle....

Rogue Leader: WHAT!! Don't tell me that fool was aided!!

Lyzen: He was aided by... Rogue Leader: By whom? SPEAK!

Lyzen: Serendipity.

Rogue Leader: The nymph of luck. Grrr... He has escaped from my clutches... AGAIN!

Lyzen: ...with someone else this time.

Rogue Leader: In that case, go to Sun Shrine in Aveyond and steal the Sword of Shadows!!!

Lyzen: What are you trying to do?

Rogue Leader: I would like to destroy the sword and become the ruler of the world! I will force history to repeat itself!! Hahahaha! Lyzen:!!!!! (the Millenium War, Ahriman! I must follow his orders and become powerful!) How will I be able to steal it?! The Sun Guardian Devin Pendragon guards the sword.

Rogue Leader: I am leaving it to you on how!

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Long, but good! I'm kinda using this as inspiration! I'm reading a bunch of stories, so I might be making one of my own soon!

 

Edit: I made it! I made a story! Huzzah! It's called "The Ones Among Us"

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The First two parts is just a prologue about the character's life this is where the RP starts.

__________________________________________________

Chapter 1- The Warning

In the Sun Shrine in Aveyond, Serendipity brought Lundgrom to the Sun Priest Devin Pendragon.

Serendipity: I don't know but when I brought him here, I had an odd feeling on him, as if he was fighting my powers using his mind.

Devin: No, he is not. He needs to control his new form and his newfound powers.

Serendipity: I just find it weird.

Lundgrom: (yawns) Where am I?

Devin: This is Aveyond. You must rest.

Lundgrom: What happened to me?! Why do I have red eyes?!

Devin: You wanted vengeance in your life. Because of that, your look is now permanent and you have the power of the mind now.

Serendipity: You must rest!

Serendipity blew sleep powder on Lundgrom...

Devin: Good, he will wake up tonight.

Serendipity: We must wait for him to calm down.

Meanhile, Lyzen the Assassin prepares himself in Sedona as he plans to steal the Sword of Shadows.

Lyzen: Sir, may I ask to borrow the generals you have captured?

Rogue Leader: Yes. But how will you control them?

Lyzen: I'll show you how!

A thief gathered the seven generals the...

Lyzen: I shall be your master! Look into my eyes!

...POSSESS!!!!

Rogue Leader: What did you just do?!

Lyzen: I controlled their minds with a spell. I will need them to take over the town of Teacup and I shall annihilate all those in my way until I am able to get that Sword!!

Rogue Leader: Good. We shall make history.

Back in the Sun Shrine..

Devin: How are you feeling?

Lundgrom: I feel calm now. Thank you.

-Then the Dreamer Talia appears to Devin.

Talia: Devin, Serendipity and Lundgrom! You must ready yourselves! Evil is on foot and is on the way to the Shrine!

Devin: What!? Why is that?!

Serendipity: They must be on for the Sword of Shadows! The one must never be broken! But who wants to get it?!

Talia: I saw the insignia of the Rogues.

Lundgrom: Its them! Those who invaded Sedona.

Talia: Because of this, I was awakened. Be careful in your dreams! No one will keep the nightmares now. You must go to the Moon Shrine! Find the druid..

Serendipity: Here they come!!!

Talia: Escape now!

-Then suddenly , Lundgrom teleported to the Moon Shrine to see its ruins.

Lundgrom: What happened here?!

He wonders until he found a note.

Lundgrom: What is this?

The note says: Dear Nuha, old friend of mine. Warn the druids, nymphs and the spirits of earth, fire, water, wind, light, darkness, lightning,time and space, and the source of all things... doom is upon us... meet in Eschaton!

Lundgrom: Eschaton? The City of Time?

Mysterious Voice: Yes. Help...me...

Lundgrom: !!!

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All right. You may continue the story per chapter. I will still continue the story until chapter 85. You only got three days to annex your story. I will start the next chapter on the fourth day. You may choose or make a character that must be consistent with the flow of the chapter.

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Well yes. But make sure to write your part in the story (Chapter 1) continuation. You might be the mysterious voice... it could be anyone.

Still have 3 days to go...(date here in the Philippines: August 31, 2008)

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"I...am...Kimmi...please...I need help...I'm...trapped..." I whispered. I "My soul has been locked. I need your help...I am the wind spirit..."

 

((I didn't play your character, Heimdall. That's the rule in RPing. ))

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Yes I am aware of that. Thanks for mentioning. Also, let me add something to the guidelines I gave: 1- Don't use my character.

2- Your story must be relevant to the chapter I posted. (currently Chapter One only)

Thanks again PokeGal!

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Chapter 1, Part 2- The Wind Spirit

Back at the Sun Shrine, Devin, Talia and Serendipity are now fighting against Lyzen, who plans to steal the Sword of Shadows

Serendipity: REALITY SHIFT!!

Talia: HEMLOCK SHOWER!!!

Devin: SUNSHINE!!

Lyzen: AAAAHHH! Grrr...You cast useless spells!!! Now take this! HYPERSTORM!!!

- Talia, Devin and Serendipity became weak and was forced to retreat... but before they left, Devin casted a curse on Lyzen.

Lyzen: WHA?! What did you do to me?

Devin: I turned you into a imp... don't worry you can still change into your normal form for five minutes... but only if you loved someone in your life!

Lyzen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

- Talia, Devin and Serendipity fled from the shrine and Lyzen was able to gain the sword.

Back in the Ruins of the Moon Shrine, Lundgrom meets Kimmi, the Wind Spirit who is trapped in the Moon Shrine.

 

Lundgrom: Who trapped you there? Where is the Druid? How must I help you?!

 

Suddenly, the skies became red. The horizon became shrouded in darkness...

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"You should leave...I cannot be unlocked without The Sword Of Shadows...someone stole it for a few minutes, long enough to lock my soul away...then they put it back to trick Devin...I know the area of the druids, but...I'm growing weak...my soul is losing strength...I need to get back in my body...unlock my soul, and I shall help you..."

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"So I must go chase Lyzen. With those generals with him who burned Teacup Town, it must be a pretty tough fight!"

 

So Lundgrom teleported to the location of Lyzen, using his mind and find himself in Thornkeep, where the Mountain King and the Snow Queen Shiva were fighting against Lyzen and Lundgrom went to help. With Lyzen's new form, he also found new powers, powers that belong to an imp."

Mountain King: ANCIENT POWER OF EARTH!!

Lyzen: THERMAL STORM!!

Shiva: ICE STORM!!

Lyzen: Hehehehe... with this sword, your spells are useless!

Lundgrom: Is that so?

Lyzen: So we meet...again!

Lundgrom: Surrender that sword now, Brother!!

Shiva: That imp is your brother?!!!

Lundgrom: Yes. But I don't know how did he transform into an imp...

Lundgrom: Thats it! I still need to rescue the wind spirit!!! EXTENSION EXTORA!!! MAGNETIZE!!!!!!!!!!

He was able to obtain the sword and teleported immediately to the Moon Shrine.

Lyzen: Grrrr.... die you useless generals!

With his newfound powers, he finished the generals off and went back to Sedona.

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